Sunday, January 25, 2009


Sure, it’s getting late, but there’s still plenty of time to hook up. Especially if you’re not too picky.

What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.
What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.


OK, you can commence head bobbing.

Also, surveying the landscape. Posing. Rating the talent. And above all negotiating with your buddies as to who gets choice and who gets the leftovers.

But in this club, the ratio appears to be on your side. There’s a lot of talent, and it’s looking to go home with someone before the night ends. Twins fans might be disappointed that we aren’t going to come out of this offseason with a player worthy of a long-term relationship. But for a one-season stand, the pickings are a lot better than that Batista character that Billy Smith’s friends still raz him about.

Or the Colon experiment. Shiver.

Middle Relief
Oh, I don't know why you're not there
I give you my love, but you don't care
So what is right and what is wrong
Gimme a sign

What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

It appears that this offseason, the Twins are going to be playing the role of wingman, at least as far as middle relievers go. And that's not just because they don't want to get stuck paying for the drinks.

The Twins don’t have the best opportunity for a reliever, no matter how much they offered. The Tigers had an enormous gap at the end of their bullpen, and have been trying to fix it (albeit affordably) for months. The A’s, suddenly flush with payroll, have similar issues at the back of their bullpen, especially after they traded away closer Huston Street.

A setup man signing a one-year deal with one of those teams has a decent chance at becoming a closer and really cashing in come 2010. So it shouldn’t surprise us that Dave Dombrowski enticed Brandon Lyons over to his place to look at his album collection. Meanwhile, Russ Springer is doing kamikaze shooters in the corner with Billy Beane – and the subject of body shots has come up. They're looking like a done deal.

So the Twins and Eric Gagne are suddenly left with each other. They’re engaged in a pleasant enough conversation – while, you know, looking around the bar a bit just to see what’s happening elsewhere. Neither seems especially opposed to the other, and since that’s what’s left. . . .

Third Base
Oh, I don't know, what can I do
What else can I say, it's up to you
I know we're one, just me and you
I can't go on

What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

Meanwhile, over at third base, the Twins can explore their alpha male side a bit more. You're like a big bear, Billy, with these claws and fangs and big fricking teeth. And Ty Wigginton and Joe Crede are these cute little bunnies. And you're like, you're thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny? How am I supposed to kill this bunny?"

See, there are still two right-handed third basemen on the market with 20+ home run power, and the Twins are the best fit for both of them. We haven’t heard any Wigginton rumors for a couple of months, but his best opportunity for a full-time job at third disappeared when Indians GM Mark Shapiro and Mark DeRosa left the bar to "let the dog out". And now we hear that Joe Crede is on his way to the club, and is dressed to the nines.

Sure, there are plenty of other teams in which those two have been rumored to be interested, but they all have limitations. Is Ty Wigginton going to choose to backup Pedro Feliz rather than start over Brandon Harris? Or move to a corner outfield spot, which would make it that much harder to get a job in 2010? Or is Joe Crede going to choose Pac Bell Park for his 2010 salary drive?

If Bill Smith isn’t the most popular guy at the bar, he should be. You’re so money Billy, and you don’t even know it. Make your choice, and leave the other one to decide between Brian Sabean’s or Neal Huntingon’s parents' (or is that division's) basement.

Just Friends - You Know - With Benefits
I want no other, no other lover
This is your life, our time
When we are together, I need you forever
Is it love

What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

Who woulda thunk that the Twins would end up courting a couple of Scott Boras clients? Both Crede and Gagne are represented by The Dark One. What do you get when you combine the aggressive spawn of Boras with buttoned-down Pohlad offspring? And could queasiness about such an unholy union affect or at least delay a deal getting done?

It shouldn’t. You don’t need to meet each others parents to spend the night together. This is going to be short-time thing, founded on mutual usury. Nobody’s looking to fall in love here.

What is love? Oh baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. (oooh, oooh)

So don't give up. All that’s left is to keep one’s eye on the ball. Put in the time. And close the deal. There’s still plenty of time to hook up. Especially if you’re not too picky.

What is LOVE?


Jake said...

Awesome post! That picture with Carrey, Ferrell, and what his face (checks IMDB), oh yeah, Kattan, is priceless. You never fail to make this whole baseball news thing entertaining Geek.

sploorp said...

Two thumbs way up!!

Kyle Eliason said...

Anyone else feel unclean courting a former White Sock?

Jeff B said...

After surveying the bar and realizing that the hotties have all left, I'd rather dance with the one that brung me. I suppose getting Crede's number and talking (read: no big commitment) might make sense too.

GM-Carson said...

More Hardball wants to know who has the hottest fans in baseball. We’ll be running a set of posts over the following weeks featuring images of each teams’ hotties, with a voting poll to crown a champion. We’re started with the AL East and we’re now moving on to the AL Central. Sticking true to Major League Baseball’s roots, there will be an eight team playoff system where the winners of each division square off with the addition of a wild card team to determine who wins the pennant and represents each league in the World Series of Hotness.